I lived in Mthatha, Eastern Cape for a short while at the beginning of the turn of the century. I regularly attended the Mthatha Baptist Church, and will never forget one of two sermons which have stuck with me throughout the years.
It was about words and the power of the tongue. Pastor Brett used the analogy that words were like bricks – they could either be used to build someone up, or used to throw at someone to break them down. I went home that day and drew the sermon out on an A4 page – I don’t know why. But the scenarios of the stick figures I had created stuck with me: one stickman using a brick to build a wall; and at the lower half of the page a stickman chasing another stickman and throwing a brick at him. I labelled the bricks “words”.
It would be another 15 years until I gave birth to my son and really understood the relevance of this message.
Words are important to children, and as parents we have the power to build them up or break them down, from the moment they are born. At bedtime, from when my son was about one year old, I would reenact a version of this scene from The Help (movie) “You Is Smart, You Is Kind, You Is Important”, except I used more grammatically correct phrases. He would fall asleep (and still does) to his mother telling him how proud she is of him, what a fine young man he is turning out to be, how kind and respectful he is, and how lucky I am to be his mom.
He also loves finding his identity in me and his father, and how he has half of each of our DNA. So I might say “you have your father’s eyes and long lashes, and also his fingers and toes; but you have my face, my hair and my brains!” He then erupts in giggles and we debate especially around the brains part. It’s all part of him exploring his own identity.
I also like to tell my son he is perfect, but I frame “perfection” as “enough”, and not some unattainable state one needs to pursue. So I tell him, “your eyes are perfect because you can see beautiful things; your ears are perfect because you can hear the sounds of nature; your arms are perfect because you give the best and tightest hugs.” It’s important for me to teach him that he is enough, he doesn’t have to be or do anything more for us to love him any more than we already do.
He also really loves it when I say, “I trust you”. Then he walks around like a human rainbow, just beaming and radiating and oozing with self-confidence. I would use it in the context of, “Yes, you may pour yourself some milk. If you spill, I know you will clean it up. I trust you.” And then I don’t follow him into the kitchen – I have to put my money where my mouth is.
We encourage him to have dreams and goals, and we instill values in him to achieve those goals. He often says out loud “If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again”, because that is a mantra we have taught him from a young age. Another one he likes to use is “Mummy, I must finish what I start”. He especially likes to use this one against me, because often times when I announce bedtime, he will be enjoying some illegal screen-time, and then he hits me with that line.
Anyway, the bottom line is your little one has a very absorbent mind. Your words to them and about them matter. When I fail, I apologise to him, and ask him to tell me next time when I may say something that hurts his feelings. And at five years old, he holds me to it, and humbles me when he takes me up on the offer.
Conscious and engaged parenting is certainly not for the faint-hearted. Your integrity, patience and resolve is tested every day. Just breathe, don’t take yourself too seriously, and power your words up with the intent of love.